thinky thoughts and random rambling
Mar. 6th, 2013 09:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ravenswordSometimes, when I think about my largely failed attempts at what society considers "normal" relationships, I wonder if maybe I'm just wired differently? I mean, even before I discovered my bisexuality and before I'd ever heard of polyamory, my relationships, such as they were, didn't seem to be what everyone else around me seemed to be having.
My first "serious" semi-grown up, relationship was in my senior year of high school. His name was Clifford, and he went to my church. It wasn't exactly traditional on my end, though I think for him it maybe was. He was clearly enamored of me, in that way that teenage love is meant to look...you know, with the moony eyes and grand gestures. And, I loved him, for some value of love, but I wasn't moony eyed, I wasn't head over heels. He made me smile, I liked the way his hands were so big and warm, I was comfortable with him.
When it ended, it ended and I was a little sad, but even before it was officially over I was telling my best friend at the time that if she was interested in him, as he clearly was interested in her, that she should go for it because he was a good guy and a great kisser and she deserved someone to love her.
In fact, I've never had a "bad" break up. I haven't really had much in the way of serious relationships, but the ones I've had just sort of ended, whether because we each found other interests, or moved away, or what have you. I've never felt an intense sense of loss at the end.
And, to be honest, I have friends who have had the big break up, the fighting and the heartbreak and the lot, and I can not relate to them. I mean, I can have sympathy for the first little while. I can feel their pain and want to ease it. But when it lingers, when they can't seem to move past it, when a year passes, or more, and they still feel that pain and they still talk about it....I just...I don't understand it.
I want to be supportive. I want to help them. But some part of me is thinking that they need to let it go, get over it, get past it, move on. And then I feel bad. Because that seems cold and uncaring. And I don't want to be that person....but honestly, I don't understand at all.
I realize that my approach to a lot of things is very different from others. I'm realizing that is more true than I ever knew more and more. With people, friendships, I tend to let go easier than others, I make an effort, but if the effort isn't returned, I tend to ease back, and it isn't like breaking up, I still care about the person, wish them well, and can easily fall back into everyday conversation with them when/if they come back into my life.
Of course, I have to recognize that this is also in part due to my own insecurity, my innate, never fully gone sense that I am essentially unlovable but for that which I provide, whether that be money or transportation or big gifts or what have you, and that I don't want to push myself places where I am not wanted. Add in my own need to occasionally withdraw from the world at large, thus assuming everyone else has the same need, and you arrive at my state of mind.
I think, in many ways, that is why I love deeply and fiercely, but practically and logically. I don't get caught up in romantic gestures or ideas about true love. True love is unconditional love, in my book. And that is what I try to practice. Which includes letting someone go when that is what will make them happiest.
It explains too why I fail at the whole dating thing. I just can't wrap my brain around the concepts. I have never been "in-love" the way romantic books and movies make it seem. I could never conceive any one person being everything to me. I don't get sappy and silly about someone I am in a relationship with, though that relationship may occasionally embrace the sappy and the silly.
I'm not entirely sure where I was going with this exactly.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe something inside of me is broken. Like that part that is supposed to feel attachment and the giddy, heady sense of love so incredible it overthrows everything. Maybe I didn't get one of those when I was born. Sometimes it feels like I'm missing something, not having that in my life...but then I consider how much I love my life, how much work it would be to incorporate that kind of thing into my emotional landscape and I think maybe I'm okay like I am.
I'm open to love, to partners even...friends with benefits...or even something a little more formalized than that. I doubt finding it though because people need more, and I don't really have more to give.
In other, less rambling news...I got a letter from my doctor's office yesterday. I haven't opened it yet. I know I need to. I plan to at some point today. I also plan on making dentist and eye doctor appointments today. I do. I just need to...I don't know, make it happen.
I also managed to not eat the entire house last night. I did eat after dinner, and probably later than I should have, but it was all protein, and I made myself do some ab work after. Tonight I will attempt to make myself go to the gym, or maybe try out that work out DVD I was given that apparently even 500 lb people can do.
This taking care of yourself is hard work, yo.
Now it's your turn.
1) What's the hardest part of taking care of YOU?
2) Can I offer you a hug?
3) What is your "exercise routine"?
4) Can you recommend any specific exercise for a woman of 300 lbs or so with serious mobility issues?
5) How about a favorite low-carb recipe?
6) Can I get a hug?
7) Favorite guilty pleasure food?
8) I need a new book. Recommend me something fun, smart, sexy?
9) I need a new writing critique partner for an original work. Vampires, period piece, first person story telling. Interested? (probably a little time sensitive, the story is meant for a contest. I don't have the contest dates yet. Also, mostly looking for "this sucks" and "this works" and "I need more here" kind of stuff. It's already been through two rounds with a writer's group.)
10) Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Yes? I think so.
My first "serious" semi-grown up, relationship was in my senior year of high school. His name was Clifford, and he went to my church. It wasn't exactly traditional on my end, though I think for him it maybe was. He was clearly enamored of me, in that way that teenage love is meant to look...you know, with the moony eyes and grand gestures. And, I loved him, for some value of love, but I wasn't moony eyed, I wasn't head over heels. He made me smile, I liked the way his hands were so big and warm, I was comfortable with him.
When it ended, it ended and I was a little sad, but even before it was officially over I was telling my best friend at the time that if she was interested in him, as he clearly was interested in her, that she should go for it because he was a good guy and a great kisser and she deserved someone to love her.
In fact, I've never had a "bad" break up. I haven't really had much in the way of serious relationships, but the ones I've had just sort of ended, whether because we each found other interests, or moved away, or what have you. I've never felt an intense sense of loss at the end.
And, to be honest, I have friends who have had the big break up, the fighting and the heartbreak and the lot, and I can not relate to them. I mean, I can have sympathy for the first little while. I can feel their pain and want to ease it. But when it lingers, when they can't seem to move past it, when a year passes, or more, and they still feel that pain and they still talk about it....I just...I don't understand it.
I want to be supportive. I want to help them. But some part of me is thinking that they need to let it go, get over it, get past it, move on. And then I feel bad. Because that seems cold and uncaring. And I don't want to be that person....but honestly, I don't understand at all.
I realize that my approach to a lot of things is very different from others. I'm realizing that is more true than I ever knew more and more. With people, friendships, I tend to let go easier than others, I make an effort, but if the effort isn't returned, I tend to ease back, and it isn't like breaking up, I still care about the person, wish them well, and can easily fall back into everyday conversation with them when/if they come back into my life.
Of course, I have to recognize that this is also in part due to my own insecurity, my innate, never fully gone sense that I am essentially unlovable but for that which I provide, whether that be money or transportation or big gifts or what have you, and that I don't want to push myself places where I am not wanted. Add in my own need to occasionally withdraw from the world at large, thus assuming everyone else has the same need, and you arrive at my state of mind.
I think, in many ways, that is why I love deeply and fiercely, but practically and logically. I don't get caught up in romantic gestures or ideas about true love. True love is unconditional love, in my book. And that is what I try to practice. Which includes letting someone go when that is what will make them happiest.
It explains too why I fail at the whole dating thing. I just can't wrap my brain around the concepts. I have never been "in-love" the way romantic books and movies make it seem. I could never conceive any one person being everything to me. I don't get sappy and silly about someone I am in a relationship with, though that relationship may occasionally embrace the sappy and the silly.
I'm not entirely sure where I was going with this exactly.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe something inside of me is broken. Like that part that is supposed to feel attachment and the giddy, heady sense of love so incredible it overthrows everything. Maybe I didn't get one of those when I was born. Sometimes it feels like I'm missing something, not having that in my life...but then I consider how much I love my life, how much work it would be to incorporate that kind of thing into my emotional landscape and I think maybe I'm okay like I am.
I'm open to love, to partners even...friends with benefits...or even something a little more formalized than that. I doubt finding it though because people need more, and I don't really have more to give.
In other, less rambling news...I got a letter from my doctor's office yesterday. I haven't opened it yet. I know I need to. I plan to at some point today. I also plan on making dentist and eye doctor appointments today. I do. I just need to...I don't know, make it happen.
I also managed to not eat the entire house last night. I did eat after dinner, and probably later than I should have, but it was all protein, and I made myself do some ab work after. Tonight I will attempt to make myself go to the gym, or maybe try out that work out DVD I was given that apparently even 500 lb people can do.
This taking care of yourself is hard work, yo.
Now it's your turn.
1) What's the hardest part of taking care of YOU?
2) Can I offer you a hug?
3) What is your "exercise routine"?
4) Can you recommend any specific exercise for a woman of 300 lbs or so with serious mobility issues?
5) How about a favorite low-carb recipe?
6) Can I get a hug?
7) Favorite guilty pleasure food?
8) I need a new book. Recommend me something fun, smart, sexy?
9) I need a new writing critique partner for an original work. Vampires, period piece, first person story telling. Interested? (probably a little time sensitive, the story is meant for a contest. I don't have the contest dates yet. Also, mostly looking for "this sucks" and "this works" and "I need more here" kind of stuff. It's already been through two rounds with a writer's group.)
10) Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Yes? I think so.
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no subject
Date: 2013-03-06 05:51 pm (UTC)There's nothing broken about that, it's just the way you are. It's not reflected often in the romantic [comedy] genre aimed at women, or whatever is deemed chick-lit, etc because we as a society have romanticized the fairytale narrative.
It's also a different thing to be IN the relationship that's just ended and be the third party hearing about it. I'm pretty sure a year afterward is too long a time period to be mooning after the former lover. There's no need for it to take over your life like that; it disables the person from fully integrating back into life before the person. I mean, clearly they will be changed from/by the relationship but if it's not going to come back... you gotta wake up one day and move the hell on. It's not cold or uncaring to see that (or say it), it just might be unwelcome.
no subject
Date: 2013-03-06 08:19 pm (UTC)I have felt this same way SO many times. Especially when seeing friends go from lover to lover, as if they just cannot bear being alone for a moment. And I'm just not sure which side of it is "better." I've only had one serious(and I use that loosely) relationship, and though I loved him, I'm not sure I was ever "in love" the way you're "supposed" to be. So if it helps at all.. this straight, monogamous, chick gets your point immensely, :).
.
.
Now it's your turn.
1) What's the hardest part of taking care of YOU? - Trying not to feel overwhelmed with everything when I'm so exhausted, ALL the time.
2) Can I offer you a hug? - Yes, please.
3) What is your "exercise routine"? - Uhh.. yeah, I need to work on that.
4) Can you recommend any specific exercise for a woman of 300 lbs or so with serious mobility issues? - No ma'am, I cannot. If I could, I'd probably be doing it.(Or procrastinating it, most likely.) Good luck though!
5) How about a favorite low-carb recipe? - Love me some baked chicken breasts with a little marinade or dry rub, with veggies and rice on the side. I'm partial to green beans. You can cook them with just a teeny tiny bit of butter if it helps, though I find them just as good without it, or with a drizzle of salad dressing.
6) Can I get a hug? - Of course! *hugs*
7) Favorite guilty pleasure food? - Chocolate.
8) I need a new book. Recommend me something fun, smart, sexy? - I cannot do this.
9) This is out of my league, sorry.
10) Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Yes? I think so. - OBVIOUSLY.
no subject
Date: 2013-03-07 07:31 pm (UTC)10) Yes. Of course. I was just checking. LOL.
no subject
Date: 2013-03-07 07:18 pm (UTC)2) Yes please
3) um... walking from home to bus stop 1, walking from bus stop 2 to bus stop 3, walking from bus stop 4 to walk. Then doing the reverse a few hours later.
4) Can you swim?
5) what is this 'low carb' you speak of?
6) *smishes as tightly as is possible*
7) Pizza. Always pizza.
8) I'm not sure I can do fun, smart and sexy... I'm totally pimping out Jean M Auel's Earth Children though.. I've just picked up book 4 and had forgotten how much I love her world.
10) Riley Smith. *nods*
no subject
Date: 2013-03-07 07:34 pm (UTC)2) *HUG*
4) Can, don't really have a place to except in the summer.
5) It's the food that doesn't have pasta, rice, potatoes or bread. LOL.
8) I tried her stuff once. It...fell flat for me.
10) HEATHEN! *grin*